


Delivery Boys

by Irhaboggles



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: AU, Funny, Humor, One Shot, Parody, Pizza, Random - Freeform, Side Quest, Weird, comedic, delivery, pizza delivery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:48:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: Despite the war raging on around them, Iskandar decides to go on a little "side quest" that Waver is literally dragged along into. Who would've ever thought the King of Conquerors and a mage in training would be spending a night zooming through the city streets on a magic chariot... delivering pizzas?
Kudos: 8





	Delivery Boys

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Penguinlover611](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penguinlover611/gifts).



"Y-Y-YOU'RE GOING THE W-WRONG WAY, Y-YOU MORON!" Waver shouted over the thunderous wind, knuckles whiter than his face as he clung to the side of Rider's massive chariot.

"NONSENSE, MY BOY! THIS IS A SHORTCUT!" the giant of a man bellowed with laughter, taking one hand off the chariot reigns in order to give Waver a friendly pat on the back. Or at least, to _him_ it was a friendly pat on the back. Waver instantly felt the air get crushed out of his lungs and it was all he could do not to collapse and accidentally let go of the side of the chariot.

"Oompf!" he instead gasped, knees buckling under the weight of Rider's heavy hand.

"HAHAHAHA!" Rider turned his head to grin down at the smaller boy, totally unaware of the distress he was causing him. "Ahh! NOTHING QUITE LIKE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED DINNER RUSH, EH, BOY?!" he continued to bellow, still smiling down at the diminutive and angry Waver with a grin that spread from ear to ear. It would've made the Cheshire Cat jealous.

Before either he, or Waver, could say anything, though, a blaring car horn interrupted.

"Hey! Keep your eyes on the road, idiot!" Waver shrieked, anger and terror in his voice, knuckles growing even whiter as he somehow managed to grip the side of the chariot even harder. "You psychopath! You're gonna get us both killed!" To say that Rider was a crazy driver was the understatement of the century. Already, he'd pulled off 20-odd daredevil moves that would've gotten a normal person utterly crushed, and probably deserved at least 28 tickets and arrest warrants. Not for the first time did Waver wonder if it would be possible to use a Command Seal to make Rider less of a thickheaded moron.

"Oh, nonsense!" Rider waved a dismissive hand, still not bothering to pay attention to the road ahead. "The bulls know where we're going! We can leave the watch duty to _them_!"

"Keep. Your. Eyes. On. The. ROAD!" Waver shouted up at Rider, face now tinting red with anger. The boy was so angry he briefly considered _using_ a Command Seal to get Rider to listen. But of course, he wasn't going to _actually_ do something that stupid. _He_ wasn't the idiot here, _Rider_ was. He was acting like a drunken reveler right now despite being completely sober!

"Oh, come now, boy! Where's the fun in that?" Rider laughed again, throwing back his head richly, fiery mane ruffling in the wind. It was still whizzing past them at a terrifying speed, but while it was threatening to blow Waver clean off the chariot and across four lanes of traffic, Rider hardly even seemed to notice it at all.

"We're breezing through such a beautiful city! Why miss any of the sights focusing on the boring road ahead?" he continued to shout.

At the same time, another horn blared off to the side, this time accompanied by screeching tires.

"THAT'S WHY!" Waver shrieked again, lurching as the chariot suddenly swerved to avoid hitting the honking car.

"Oh, don't worry! My bulls have excellent maneuvering capability!" Rider boasted, tossing a proud smile to the large beasts pulling his chariot through the city street. Waver, meanwhile, nearly sank to his knees again trying to control his stomach.

The chariot continued to lurch and sway treacherously as Rider continued to drive them in the worst possible way down the worst possible roads. It was like he was _trying_ to find the roads with the sharpest turns! Despite Waver's instruction, Rider did as he pleased and chose all the exciting roads just for "funsies". Rather than choosing the fast or safe choices, Rider always went with the most exciting, Waver's directions all but lost under the howling wind. At least three more horns sounded off as the bulls continued to charge wildly through the city streets.

_Man!_ Waver thought miserably to himself, _Talk about blowing your cover! This is stupid! We should be trying to figure out where the other servants are, NOT trying to figure out where 2318 E. Main Street is!_ And yet, that's exactly what he and Rider were doing. Rather than preparing for the grisly and treacherous Holy Grail war, they were entertaining what was essentially a side quest.

Once again, Rider had begged Waver to take him out for a night on the town and, in return for his vow of silence for the next 48 hours, Waver had agreed. They had gone out to a local pizzeria, Rider wishing to try some of the Italian food there, and the whole meal had almost been pleasant when, as they headed out, Rider managed to catch a snippet of a conversation. Apparently one of the pizzeria delivery boys was late clocking in and now they were short one driver. That meant, until that late worker could get there, at least one pizza was going to go cold.

Being the overzealous moron that he was, Rider had gone right up to the fretful manager, chest puffed and smile as wider as ever, offering to lend a hand. Waver had, naturally, trailed after him begging and yelling at him to not, but it was of no use. Rider was as stubborn as he was and once Rider set his mind to something, there was no turning back. So while Waver had tugged uselessly at an arm bigger than his entire body, jolly old Rider offered to help deliver some of the pizzas.

"It's the least I could do!" he had boomed, nearly three times bigger than the manager. "Your food and service was so excellent that I would like to lend you mine in return! Besides, it would be a crime for someone to not get their pizza! So I would be honored to be your delivery boy!" And the manager, both relieved and terrified, had offered Rider a car.

"Oh, no! I brought my own!" he replied merrily as he took a stack of pizzas. A normal person would've needed both hands, but Rider being Rider, he was able to carry it one-handed. In fact, it was very likely he could've carried it with one finger, if he had wanted to.

After that, Rider gestured with his free hand to his chariot, waiting out in the parking lot. It was pulled into a spot, albeit a bit crooked, and the bulls were currently grazing on some of the grass surrounding the lot. While Waver had buried his face in his hands out of shame, the manager's jaw and eyes went wide. All the poor soul could do was gape up at Rider in awe and confusion. But Rider only gave him another friendly grin and a thumbs up before promising to deliver all the pizzas in 30 or less, just barely fitting out the door as he dragged Waver along after him. They had been unofficial, honorary "Delivery Boys" ever since.

Now here they were, 20 minutes later. Their massive stack of pizzas was down to its last few boxes. By some ungodly miracle, not a single one had slipped out of the chariot despite how crazily Rider was driving. But even though the boxes were still, Waver was willing to bet all the toppings and contents within had more than shifted during travel. He briefly felt bad for the poor saps whom Rider had already delivered to, his method of delivery including yanking his chariot to a sudden halt before either hurling the pizza at the house and bellowing for the owner to come out and get it (Rider's voice was loud enough for that to work), or he would occasionally take the time to go up to the door and knock like a normal human being.

But this was still Rider, and his idea of knocking was pounding merrily on the door until it was nearly bent off its hinges. Then whatever poor soul who answered the door got the nasty shock of a man twice the size of a grizzly holding a box of pizza that looked miniscule in comparison.

But while Rider would deal with the customer, grinning like a madman as he promised that the pizza was still hot and ready, and that he was proud to have been that customer's delivery boy, Waver would remain in the chariot, pouting and cursing his luck to be saddled with such a stupid, useless servant. Waver most certainly did _not_ take pride in being one of these "Delivery Boys". Ugh! Honestly! Of all the airheads in the world, why did he have to get _Rider_?! Even _Caster_ would've been a better choice! …

… Ok, maybe not. Knowing him, he would've turned the pizza into some eldritch abomination, or Lovecraftian horror. But at least he wouldn't be as stupid as Rider! He probably wouldn't have sunk to this foolish level of playing "Delivery Boy" _at all_! But all Waver could do was bitterly lament his fate and wait until Rider returned from each delivery. Then as soon as Rider would hop back into the chariot, Waver knew he had less than half a second to grab onto something before they were suddenly off flying again.

"Ugh, at least we're almost through," Waver grouched as he scowled down at the last three boxes. Two of them were on Main Street and the last was only a couple blocks over on 3rd. With the speed at which Rider was going, it wouldn't take long to get it done. God, Waver couldn't wait to be back home!

"Oh, come now, boy! Or should I say, _delivery_ boy? Cheer up! This is a wonderful adventure we're having!" Rider commanded cheerfully, urging his bulls on even faster. Waver scowled at him ferociously, but of course Rider remained blissfully unaware.

"We still have an even bigger adventure to deal with. The Grail War? Remember?" Waver snapped sarcastically. "And don't call me a "delivery boy" ever again! Remember, I am your master!"

"Yes, yes, of course I remember!" Rider cried dismissively. "But this is much more _fun_!" Waver was so outraged and exasperated by this remark that he removed one of his hands from the chariot side in order to slap it over his face.

"Fun? _Fun_?! This war isn't supposed to be _fun_! It's supposed to be rough! And a gritty! And intense! And, and, and-"

"Oh, learn to live a little!" Rider cut him off with a teasing scoff. "The Grail War can wait. There is no time limit! Besides, the other servants have been quiet. May as well enjoy ourselves while we can, before things pick up! Besides! This is much more interesting! We all need to relax every once in a while! No man, hero or warrior or king, can be serious _all_ the time! Sometimes, it's more fun to be a delivery boy, and that's what you gotta be!"

"Says you," Waver growled under his breath, still scowling up at the behemoth man. But Rider's spirit was as indominable as his size and he only continued to steer the chariot along merrily (and crazily) veering through all sorts of dark back roads. Obviously, he did it for the thrill. Waver's one consolation was that at least it meant they would be seen by less cars.

At one point, though, they came across a road blocked off for construction. Rider's only reaction was to shrug disinterestedly before clicking the reigns again. In response, the bulls jumped up, hooves leaving potholes in the road as they flew skyward.

"WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Waver bellowed, this time grabbing onto Rider himself as they were all shot up into the air. But while Waver clung to Rider for dear life, Rider only grinned at the exhilaration of soaring through the sky like some weird, red-haired Santa Claus (only with a chariot and bulls rather than a sleigh and reindeer). Yeah. _Real_ inconspicuous…

"I should've done this sooner!" Rider declared happily as he urged his bulls to fly faster. Waver had several witty comebacks ready, but not a single one of them actually came out. Instead, he could only tremble, mouth slightly open, as he continued to cling to Rider.

But at last, after a few minutes of terror with Waver clinging to Rider as they both shot through the sky, fate finally decided to be (somewhat) kind to Waver. In just under two minutes, the last three pizzas had been delivered.

" _There_. Can we finally go home _now_?" Waver demanded, crossing his arms as Rider hopped back into the chariot.

"You'll have to tell me how to get there," Rider replied, still not quite familiar with this much of the city.

"Idiot," Waver muttered under his breath. "Just get back to Main Street and take the first highway on the left to get back to the bridge," he said a bit louder, but in a tone no nicer than before.

In response, Rider clicked the reigns of his chariot and the bulls took off once more. But this time, because there was less of a rush, Rider went a little slower. Not that that was saying much. But at least this time, Waver didn't feel like throwing up, and he was no longer terrified that every little wobble of the chariot would send him shooting out of it faster than a bullet from a gun. Instead, he only gave another disdainful and disgusted sigh as Rider took them home. This was going to be a very long night, but at least now, the "Delivery Boys" thing was over. And Rider would shut up for the next two days. That was the only good thing to come out of tonight.

_Grrrooowllll!_

Waver clutched his stomach in embarrassment. It seemed as if all the panicking from Rider's mad driving had taken so much energy that he was hungry again. Rider turned to look at him, eyebrows raising in surprise and amusement, but he said nothing. Instead, he only smirked a little at Waver. But that smirk said more than words ever could and Waver's face twisted into a snarl. Rider only winked at him, though, and shrugged before turning back to face the main road. But instead of going left like Waver had told him to, he continued to go straight. They were going back to the pizzeria for seconds. Oh, joy of joys.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This one goes out to my very best friend, Penguinlover611 (who you can find on Wattpad)!


End file.
